It's about the impossibility of actually connecting
with another human being,
because we're all wearing these carapaces,
this casing, this rubbish, really.
And the more they hit and hit,
actually, the less they impact.
It's-it's just...
really really moving, actually.
Mm-hmm, wow.
- I'll see you later. - Okay, see you later then.
See you later.
What was all that about?
Yeah, she's a bit of a film nut.
You should hear her when she's on about Fassbinder.
- Fassbinder? - I've got a list
of the men that fell--
92 died that morning,
so your chap was lucky to be alive.
I could fix up your lot with real, accurate names,
and then they can shout out their names to each other
in the heat of the battle.
- What do we think? - Thank you. That would be really--
Have you seen "Cold Mountain"?
- Yeah. - What do you think?
I thought it was good.
I thought Nicole Kidman was a bit old,
- but I thought it was a good film-- - No no, the battle scenes.
Oh, fantastic! Very very good.
That explosion and when he jumps down...
- That was the best one. - It's shite!
Utter shite from beginning to end.
Woefully inaccurate.
Right.
We wouldn't be interested in participating
- in a pantomime like that. - Right.
Splishy-splashy water.
Look at you go!
Ooh! Oh God!
Oh dear.
- Will you bathe me later? - No, I won't,
though you could do with one.
- Those are pheromones. - Uh-huh.
Can you do the cot up?
A lot of women find that sexy.
Daddy's gonna put your cot up.
Ooh ooh ooh...
What's this?
Bach.
It has a calming effect on babies.
My parents never played me Bach.
They played me New Seekers.
I turned out fine.
You like Bach, don't you?
Yes, it makes you happy.
- Jenny? - Yeah?
Do you think I should have my nose straightened?
Oh God!
Do you think I've got a character actor's nose or a leading man's nose?
I think it's your nose.
I think when the time comes
I'm just gonna have a chin tuck
and then leave it at that.
Shh!
He's just nodding off.
No, don't answer it.
- Hey. - Hi.
Sorry to bother you,
but they're screening the rushes now. When you're ready...
Okay, I'll slip into something more comfortable.
- What is it? - I've gotta go see the rushes.
- Sorry, baby. - Do you have to?
Yeah, I won't be long.
At least I don't smell anymore.
These bottles are filthy.
Probably quite expensive. You'd think someone would clean them.
- Hello. - Hi, how are you?
- How are you doing? - Okay.
- How are you? - Good.
- How are the kids? - Good.
- How many is it now? - Seven.
- You've got seven children. - Yeah, seriously.
One for every day of the week.
See, now there's a good Groucho Marx story about...
see, he meets a woman with seven children
and says, "Why've you got seven kids?"
And she says, "Because I love my husband."
He says, "Well, I like my cigar, but I take it out now and again."
Here's Mark. Okay, let's sit. Great.
- Have you got the tape. - Uh no...
Mark's put together
a rough assembly of the battle scenes
and, as you all know, we had very little money when we shot it.
We're all agreed that we have a possibility of a very exciting film,
but with a slightly small hole in it
where the battle should be, which we need to reshoot.
But we can talk about that after we've seen what we've got.
Okay, Peter, I'll do the lights.
Mel Gibson's not gonna lose any sleep.
The model is more impressive than this.
Stand by cannons to reload!
I am leading literally tens of men.
- This is a pole vaulting scene? - I think what we need
is a bit of a score under it.
- Quite right. - Who's the music composer?
We haven't made any decisions about that.
That's great.
Well done, everyone. Everybody, that's where we are now.
If anybody wants to say anything?
I think that the-- that scene,
because it looks so cheap, it actually makes it funnier.
It works 'cause it's funny.
Well, it's not supposed to be funny.
Toby's supposed to be funny. The battle is supposed to look like a battle.
You look really really good in your costume.
- Yeah. - Yeah, you looked great.
There's a problem with that too
'cause some of the lead costumes are out of period.
They're about 50 years out of date.
I think I saw a Roman centurion at one point.
You either go for proper, full-on "Braveheart"--
clearly, that's not an option--
or you go for "silly man in a comedy battle"
which is well within our grasp.
The thing is we need to reshoot it.
Gotta have the battle scene or haven't got a whole movie.
Oh no, but wait a minute. I was reading through
some of Joe's old drafts. There never was a battle scene, was there?
- No. - What about the chestnut scene?
Do you remember when you asked us to finance the movie,
you acted out a scene where you dropped
a hot chestnut down your trousers.
I mean, that's why we gave you the money.
Ahh.
Went well, I thought.
Except it's not Walter who does it, is it?
I mean, it won't be Steve doing it in the film.
Wait a minute, Joe. You're serious?
- It didn't matter though-- - I've been practicing that for weeks!
First I tried to keep it small,
then I pushed the idea of him struggling to control the pain.
Then I just went for lots of energy.
That looks good. We can try that.
Do you wanna try it with a real hot chestnut?
Try it with a real one.
Just an experiment to see the general reaction.
Agh agh fuck!
Shit! You put-- fuck! Fuck!
Agh, get it out, please!
Get it out! Please, please!
You've got your hand on my fucking knackers!
Get off! Agh! Get off! Get off!
Get your hand out! Jesus, man! Fuck!
Ow! Fuck!
It's out.
Fuck...
- Do you want some water? - Fucking hell!
I'm all right, I'm all right.
Fucking hell.
Fuck. You had your fucking fingers up my asshole!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
- I'm sorry. - Fucking hell, man.
- I'm very sorry. - It's-- you know...
Take me to dinner first.
- Fuck. - Sorry.
We've all seen battle scenes before,
but how many times have we seen a chestnut scene?
I think we need more of Uncle Toby.
Uncle Toby's character is the strongest character,
it's the heart and soul of the piece,
the funniest character in the book.
The battle scene is Toby's scene, so...
That's irrelevant. The bottom line is
how much will it cost if you want to...
Well, we think we can pull it down for 100,000.
See, I think the audience that will come and see this film
is not interested in big action scenes.
Anita, this is what we don't have.
We don't have the luxury of time.
These guys are out there now, in uniform, loading up the muskets.
Don't try and hold us to ransom about this.
We need to go and think and talk about it...
Why don't you take Anita and Greg off
and chat about the things you need to chat about?
- See you, Steve. - Go.
There's a shoe issue.
It is an issue of status.
Are you coming with us?
Turn the lights out, please.
See, you can hardly see the shoes.
I don't really see what the problem is.
It's important characterwise to see the height difference.
It tells the seniority of the characters.
Is there anything we can do about that?
- Um... - Are you all right?
Yeah, we can um...
take an inch off Rob's heel
and put a thicker sole on Steve's shoe.
- You all right with that? - That would be great.
- Okay. - I'll do this. Thanks.
Let's get some lights on.
Steve, are you coming to the meeting?
- Well, that was thrilling... - Steve.
Steve, Gary's waiting in there.
He's been waiting for about 20 minutes.
I'll see you around.
Listen, I've got to talk to this guy.
Five minutes and I'll be up.
- Whenever. - I want to talk to you.
Sorry, love.
Listen, I'm very sorry about the other night, okay?
It was last night, actually.
Oh, well-- since I was drunk.
Just so I know,
are you sorry because you kissed me
or are you sorry because you were drunk?
- Which is it? - Uh... both.
Slightly less sorry I kissed you
because it was very nice,
but I don't think it was, uh...
- Anyway, I'll leave you guys to it. - Okay.
Hey!
All right, buddy.
- How are you doing? - You well?
Yeah, good to see you.
Right, are we good?
I've gotta go to a script meeting
and I've got to do this sort of dad-kind-of- boyfriend thing.
Great. I'll take a picture of you and the baby.
So can we postpone this till tomorrow morning?
No, no-- you can.
But I've got to be honest with you,
everyone at the office wants to run the story about the girl.
You don't want that because it's just weird stuff.
It's not weird, just embarrassing.
She's saying some stuff about me-- anyway--
I want to play ball too.
All right, so if you can give me--
Yeah, 7:00 A.M. tomorrow morning.
I don't think they're gonna go for that.
What do you think's better,
the chicken or the beef?
These rooms are fantastic, aren't they?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm in the Charles I suite.
Apparently he stayed in there.
Yeah, just before he was beheaded.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
Would you like a drink, Steve?
Uh yeah, I'll have a vodka tonic, please.
Can we please just talk about the script?
Even if we get the battle scene shot,
then we're still going to be under.
It's a big book. Plenty to choose from.
Think I'm gonna have a lamb shank.
Given that the story's about Walter's love for his son...
- Here, put this in. -...I really think
that Walter should be there at the birth.
It's the 18th Century. Men just didn't do that.
You're a 21st-Century man, but Walter can't be.
He talks to the fucking camera. He can be emotional.
If you saw Walter for an instant holding the baby in his arms,
then you would forgive him all his flaws?
Yeah, but it would look terrible.
It would be like the scene in "Robin Hood"
where Kevin Costner delivers a baby.
Because he's got a stupid mullet haircut.
Remember all those scenes that you pitched when we first talked about it?
Like the black page
when the good Parson Yorick dies--
the book has a completely black page.
I don't know how interesting a black screen is going to be for an audience.
The original cover for "Anarchy in the U.K."
was inspired by that page.
- But Yorick isn't even in the film. - He used to be.
Hardly anybody's in the film. That's the problem.
I like the black page. That's one of the arty bits I actually like.
Why do we want to spend a year of our lives making this film?
- 'Cause it's funny. - Is that all?
Is that not enough?
If it's genuinely funny, that is enough.
It has to be genuinely funny.
Well, what was all that stuff Patrick told us
when we visited Shandy Hall?
The theme of "Tristram Shandy" is a very simple one--
Life is chaotic, it's amorphous.
No matter how hard you try, you can't actually make it fit any shape.
Tristram himself is trying to write his life's story,
but it escapes him 'cause life is too full, too rich
to be able to be captured by art.
And his father Walter tries to plan every aspect
of Tristram's birth, conception, childhood and so on,
and his plans all go wrong.
Walter puts it this way...
Did any man ever receive so many lashes?
Walter is indeed the most unfortunate of men,
and if his life could be celebrated,
then so too can all of ours.
What about Widow Wadman?
I've been pushing for that since the start.
Widow Wadman, that's a romantic comedy.
- That's bollocks. - Who do we have for the Widow Wadman?
She might be free.
Okay, Beth and Sam?
- That's good. - Gillian Anderson.
We know that she loves the book
and Mark met her in L.A.
- Did you, Mark? - We couldn't afford Gillian Anderson.
She'd cost more than the whole battle scene.
No, but Gillian Anderson is an American film star.
I think, actually, she's Canadian.
It would make it a real movie if it had a real star.
Two stars.
I don't see myself as a star.
I'm a craftsman, like a medieval craftsman.
- With a Porsche. - Plying your trade.
Yeah, I'm a medieval craftsman with a Porsche.
Two stars-- I was just thinking
that's gonna be the review.
"'Tristram Shandy,' two stars.
Jonathan Ross.
If she needs to meet--
We can't get her something in time.
Well, I've only written three drafts
with the Widow in it.
I've got to see Jenny.
- See you later, Steve. - Yeah.
- Bye, Steve. - See you later, Steve.
Jenny?
Hey... hey...
hey...
hey, aw, hey...
hey...
Oh, dear dear dear.
Oh, there you go.
Oopsie-daisy.
Fur ones, not the ones full of polyester
'cause they're shite.
- Ah, yes! - Hey!
Hello!
Sorry, I was just changing the baby's nappy.
We heard it all.
It was very lovely.
We'll do a musical next.
Oh I see, you've been eavesdropping on me.
We're celebrating.
Brilliant idea, mates.
The money men are lapping it up
- Gillian Anderson said yes. - Really?
We only spoke about it five minutes ago.
I know, but I phoned her agent in L.A.
- Joanna, hi. - Hi!
I'm calling about "Tristram Shandy."
- We're in the middle of filming. - Yes, I know.
I read the script. I love it!
Great! I wanted to talk to you about Gillian Anderson.
She's right here.
- Oh, hello! Mark's right here. - Hi!
- Hi, Gillian? Hi. - Hi, Mark!
Remember I was telling you about "Tristram Shandy"?
Oh, I love that novel.
We've decided to include the Widow Wadman in the story.
Yeah, I love that character.
You know what a great fan I am of yours.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Obviously it's a low-budget film.
- Oh, don't worry about that! - That's fine.
Gillian's interested in the quality of work.
She's not looking for a payday.
- That's right. - Great. We'll need you right away.
- I can fly tomorrow. - Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye! - Bye.
Oh yes.
Jesus, that was easy.
Yeah, that worked well.
So she's coming over tomorrow.
That's fantastic.
Is Gillian Anderson the one in "Baywatch"?
That was Pamela Anderson.
We've already got one blonde with big tits.
- I love you. - Thanks, but just a bit too hard.
I love "The X-Files."
Do you know Rasputin had a wart
on his penis?
Listen, thank you so much for the champagne.
That was lovely. Bye.
- Good night. - Night to all.
Good night, just going to have a bit of sexual intercourse.
Thanks for the details, thanks very much.
I don't think that's their baby.
I don't know, it just seems so unreal, so perfect.
She's very good for him, I tell you.
She is very grounding for him, don't you think?
- Steve? - Jesus Christ!
Sorry sorry. Can I have a very quick word with you?
How long have you been there?
I've just been waiting for you. Sorry, Jenny.
Just two minutes. I just need to talk about something.
- Sure, yeah. - Fine.
Thank you.
Have you heard the news?
They're trying to get Gillian Anderson to play Widow Wadman.
I know. That was my idea.
- Was it? - Well, not the Gillian Anderson bit,
- but the Widow Wadman thing. - You know how I feel
about Gillian Anderson. I've got posters of her.
I think the woman's an angel.
I've got all of "The X-Files" on DVD.
- I don't understand. - Do you want a drink?
Yes, please. I'll have a vodka tonic, please.
- The thing is I can't act... - I know that.
...with Gillian Anderson.
I have a proper sexual thing for Gillian Anderson.
I covet her. If I have to do a love scene with her,
I will blush.
But Toby would blush.
That's good. Channel that. That's method acting.
Yeah, right.
- Cheers. - Here you go.
I don't know why you're worried.
You don't have that many scenes with her.
They're putting the whole of the love story in.
Steve, you've read the book. It's 100 pages.
You have given me a love story
with my favorite, my ideal woman,
my perfect 10-out-of-1 0 actress,
and I am going to be stammering
and stuttering my whole way through it.
- Wait wait-- - Thank you.
Um... I've got to go talk to Jenny.
Oh, listen, Jenny mentioned about this stuff--
it's not been as good since the baby and everything.
- What, did she? - All men lose their libido.
I don't-- no, they don't--
Rob, I don't have a problem with my libido.
I just don't have the fucking time.
For fuck's sake.
"l have no problem with my libido."
Have you seen my book anywhere?
What book?
"Tristram Shandy." Which book do you think?
Here it is.
What are you doing?
Come here!
Can you believe a book as thick as that
hasn't got an index?
It's a novel, not a cookbook.
It's Book Six.
How'd you know that?
And Book Eight and Book Nine.
- So you knew before Rob did? - What are you talking about?
Rob now has a bigger part than me.
- Bet he hasn't. - But he's got a battle scene
- and he's got Agent Mulder from... - Scully.
And he's got big heels.
And you've got me and you've got a baby
and you're playing Tristram Shandy.
Yeah, I am playing Tristram Shandy
in "The Life of Tristram Shandy."
You know what? At the end of the book, he's not even born.
- Who told me that? No one. - Steve,
I have traveled 200 miles by train with a baby
just to have sex with you.
Look, honey, this is not about my libido.
It's-- I've got to--
"Presently I hope I shall be sufficiently understood
in telling the reader my Uncle Toby fell in love."
- Fuck. - She's a wealthy widow.
She sees Toby.
She falls for him, but she's worried about his equipment.
"...has fallen in love, deeply in love,
up to the ears in love."
If it is not intrusive, Captain Shandy,
I'm agog as to what actually occurred at the Siege of Namur.
I have a model just yonder
of the city as it appeared to the besieging forces
on that morning in 1695.
You interest me strangely.
The English and the Scots came out of trenches on the right.
I'm quite perspiring with anticipation.
You must know, Captain Shandy,
that I have taken an interest in you.
But before we go further on that matter,
I must reassure myself
of your fitness for marriage...
of the state of your equipment.
Would you like to see my model?
I must know exactly where you were injured.
Madam, I'll show you the exact spot.
Are you sure?
You can put your finger on it.
- Just beyond the asparagus. - Yes, quite right.
Out of the way.
I'm flattered, Captain Shandy,
that you would take me so far into your confidence.
I received my injury
at nine of the clock right here.
That was great.
Thank you.
Rob, this is Steve from "The New York Times."
Hey, I'd love to do a piece on you.
That was a really good job by the way.
You!
- Was it good? - Yeah, it was great.
Where's Steve? I really wanted him to see that one.
Steve's over there.
Hello!
Rob? Rob?
Did you hear my laugh?
I heard a laugh.
- Steve Coogan? Hi. - Hello.
Very pleased to meet you.
Sorry about this.
I didn't realize you were so small.
A lot smaller than me. Come and see how small he is.
This membrane looks like it's about to burst.
Then there'll be a huge muscular spasm.
Agh!
Oh my God!
It's the funniest thing he's done for years!
It's just disgusting.
I don't know why I'm so small.
- Neither do l. - I didn't realize he was so small.
He really is small, isn't he?
- He's tiny. - Rob?
- That's his actual size.
Rob, I thought you were a mate!
You should go to L.A. and spend some time there.
I'd want to go. I'd want to meet as many as I can...
You should. You're going to be hot after this movie...
I just wanted to apologize
for the fact that this is a complete historical cock-up.
And in order to make it a bit more fun,
I'm gonna give everybody a character name, okay?
- Yay! - So, Eli Thrift.
Free Fornication Williams.
Feichmann, have you got a mic?
Well, then you shouldn't be wearing a gorget. Take it off.
Okay, Efrain Greenwillow,
- you can have that. - Have you heard?
They're so chuffed about Gillian Anderson,
they're going to give us some money for the battle scene as well.
- That's great. - And Joe has had an idea
for the birth scene, so you can go there when the baby's born.
Oh, brilliant. That's great.
Where's your pretty wife, Steve?
Come on!
- Hello. - So they're going to have love story
and the battle scene.
That's great.
It's like some Hollywood version of "Tristram Shandy."
Yeah, Fassbinder would have never sold out like that.
You know Fassbinder?
- Mm-hmm. - Wow!
Which is your favorite film?
The whole...
the corpus, the bloody work.
"Fear Eats the Soul."
Yeah.
There's more truth in that title
than there is in most whole movies, you know?
- Yeah. - But the thing is
he's such like a powerful writer.
You know "Schatten der Engel"
That is my favorite.
- Do you know that one? - Is it the one with all the sex in it.
No, it's the one where lngrid Caven is this prostitute,
but the thing is that she's so beautiful
she doesn't even need to touch the punters.
They're just happy to, like, sit in her room
and just look at her.
The thing is that humanity is so disgusting
they kind of, like, invade and pollute her with their problems
and their insecurities so that in the end,
it's actually better for her to just fuck them.
You know, it's cleaner for her to fuck them
than it is to listen to them.
You're watching the movie and you're, like,
"Just fuck them, Lilly! Just fuck them!"
- Do you know what I mean? - Fuck them.
Fill me with your babies.
What what what? What did you say?
What did you just say?
I don't know. I think I said, "Fuck me."
- I think. - The thing is--
no, you said something else.
That's not what you said.
It's what I meant.
Listen, um...
you are fantastically attractive
and your knowledge of German cinema is second to none.
But... I've got to get back to Jenny.
I've got work in the morning,
it's an early start.
6: 30 A.M. call, I think.
Yeah so... good night.
Yeah, good night.
I am Spartacus!
Push on!
I am Spartacus!
Jennie, I am Spartacus.
I am Spartacus.
- I am Spartacus. - I am Spartacus!
Where have you been?
You're freezing!
I had a nightmare.
I missed you.
I love you.
Steve, it's time to get up.
Morning. Your car will be ready in half an hour, okay?
Right, thank you, Jennie.
- I'm sorry. - He'll be okay for a couple of minutes.
God, you're so lucky.
This morning's headlines--
Americans have conceded that the insurgents in lraq
are as strong now as they were a year ago.
More foreign terror suspects are expected to be freed on bail today
as time runs out for the existing powers under which they're detained.
And what Churchill thought of lndia
and what lndia thought of Churchill.
Today's newsreader, Charlotte Green.
A senior American general
has said the insurgents in lraq have lost none of their capacity
to launch attacks on Coalition and lraqi...
- Morning. - Morning.
- Hi.
Rob, did you want me to get you some breakfast?
- Some coffee? - I'll have a coffee.
- Okay. - Everyone's here?
Yeah, they are, actually. Do you want me to get you some breakfast?
No no, I'll go with you. Been here for ages.
Top o' the mornin' to ye.
-...but once I get the other sock... - See you.
Morning, uh...
- Rr-r... - Rob.
- That's it, well done.
It's the shoe business, you know?
It goes on all day between Steve and Rob.
I've got the shoes for you.
They've been built up so you'll feel a lot taller.
Be hard to see Jennie. She's a bit... intense.
Very. Hard work.
Do you know this shoe thing,
I think we're fine as we are.
I spent all night working on it.
- I think we've got spare ones. - Sorry, love.
We got spare ones here.
- Okay. - Sorry, love. Thank you.
- Um, Steve. - Well handled.
This is the coat, Steve,
for the scene where you take your wig off.
- Want to just try it on for me? - Sure.
- All right, love. - Take your wig off with the right hand
and pull your handkerchief out of your right-hand pocket...
- This is actually weird. -...with the left hand.
- I mean, that's-- - You look like Lee Evans.
It looks like the pockets are too low.
It looks like they've been placed there for comic effect.
Shall we say it looks like a rain suit?
"ln the latter end of Queen Anne's reign,
and the beginning of King George l,
coat pockets were cut very low down
- in the skirt." - The pockets can be built
technically accurate and still look contrived.
It's historical,
but it's not hysterical.
Yeah.
- Hey, Joe! - Hello, Steve.
Listen, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm going to get the kids
- to see the battle. - Brilliant.
How'd the birth scenes go?
- All done, yeah. - Fantastic.
Trying to get the impact of having a baby on Walter,
your physical and emotional impact.
- Yes! - You all right?
- Yes, very well. - Listen, we've gotta get a shift on.
I need to do something. Hiya.
I'll need to get a train, so can we just find somewhere--
I'm gonna need five minutes for Gary.
- 10 minutes. - Sorry.
Does Mark know about this, Steve?
He doesn't know. Tell him not to worry.
I just wanna do a really general piece,
you know, the type of thing I'm sure you've done before.
- Yes. - Steve Coogan the actor,
Steve Coogan the family man.
And with the novel being called
"The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,"
I thought we'd call the piece "The Life and Opinions of Steve Coogan."
- Great. Tidy - Yeah.
Just a sort of tidy... exactly.
But really, obviously you've just become a father.
- Yeah. - So let's do a little bit
about the family to start off. What does it mean to you?
Well, it's everything to me.
- Hi, babe. - Hiya.
- How is he? - He's a bit... grumpy
- this morning. - Sorry.
Sorry.
Steve, we've got your other baby next door
if you'd like to come and say hello, do a bit of bonding.
That's Walter's little baby.
- I'll explain later. - It might take a minute.
Okay. See you later, love.
See you.
I've got the new sides from Joe...
- Good. -...for the scene as well.
He spoke to me this morning.
- He's very pleased with it. - Great, I'm pleased.
- This is Rachel. - Hi.
And little Tristram.
- Oh... - I'll catch you later.
Okay, right. He's got a better hairline than me.
She's a girl, actually.
I hope that's not going to be a problem for you.
No, I'm very in touch with my female side.
Everyone miked up?
Yeah, with the time we need.
Okay, all right.
- Ed? - Yes, sir.
Let's get it all locked up.
Yeah, okay. Byron, can we just get this moving now? Thanks.
She likes you. She's very happy.
Hey! Aw...
She's so small.
- Steve? - Yeah?
They're ready for you on the set.
Oh... that's Mommy.
Okay, I've just got to say goodbye to Jenny,
just say goodbye.
Three days in a row you've been screaming.
It's only one more day.
It finishes today.
- Good morning. - Good morning. How are you?
Hello.
Could we get Steven?
Thank you. I'll try to stay awake.
Joe has written in this part of the scene
where Walter's there at the birth of Tristram.
- It's really important. - It's fine.
Steve, there waiting for you on the set.
Okay, all right.
Listen, have a safe journey.
- I'll see you on the weekend. - Okay.
Would you have had a baby with me
- if I'd really had a nose like that? - No.
I'll give you a call when we get there.
Okay, I love you.
- It doesn't seem right. - No, it's wrong.
Okay, sorry about that.
I'm just a bit confused. Are we supposed to--
It's not continuous. We've jumped in time.
We're going to take that moment
where the kid's about to be born...
- Right. -...from here.
So this is the very end of it.
Very end of it.
- Okay? - Right.
Hi. Um... all right.
Hold the work, please.
Hold the work.
- So, Steve? - Yeah?
We'll have about 40 seconds of...
effort before your entrance, okay?
Say, what's happening?
All right, his head's here now!
We're just about done.
Okay, Steve.
A little more, ma'am. A little more.
That's it.
That's it, ma'am.
That's it.
He's handsome, ma'am. He's a handsome... boy.
He's a big boy.
Thanks very much, everybody.
There's a drink through there,
so... if you'd like to go on through.
- What happened? - Um...
So what do you think about that?
- Can you tell that's not me on horse? - Yes.
- Do you ride a horse? - Yes, I rode a horse.
You look like you'd never been on a horse before.
You were funny, you were charismatic...
- Charismatic? - You looked so dashing.
- I looked so dashing? - You did.
I was dashing. I dashed.
What happened to the whole Widow Wadman story?
How much did you do?
I shot like two weeks.
I mean, the house is way too big for Shandy Hall.
Well, that's what they wanted to make the film look sexy.
I thought you look fantastic, by the way.
- And you. - For what it's worth.
- Yeah. - All right.
See you in a bit.
- Great, just great. - Ah, yes.
Thank you, rather good on that.
I thought we were gonna get the big emotional scene
with Walter and his baby.
Yeah, well, the 18th Century...
- it didn't work. - We thought the scene
with Steve and the baby playing young Tristram would give us the emotion
and still be true to the original story.
I always forget how short I am.
I can't believe that was the whole fucking movie.
I think we look like a nice couple, don't you?
Where is the battle scene?
Yeah, where's the battle?
It wasn't funny.
So how many drinks do you have a day?
I have-- I don't know-- a number.
And I purposely have a pay-to-go,
and I only keep L10 on it
so that I can't stay on the phone long.
That way I'm just quickly off.
- How does the book end? - The book's got a great ending.
- Parson Yorick. - Mm?
Why are we so delicate about the subject of passion?
Why do we put a candle out when we try to make a child?
I'm not sure.
Everyone does put out a candle, Sir Walter.
Though you see, Walter, not everybody does put the candle out.
I have on occasion asked for the candle to be left, but...
Be that as it may,
why do we glorify the act of killing that's destroying a man?
We honor the weapons with which we do it.
We write about them.
We paint them.
- Obadiah. - Good evening, Parson Yorick.
Has that cow of yours calved yet?
Well, that's just it.
My cow has not calved yet.
Will thou have this woman to thy wedded wife,
to live together...
It so happened that Obadiah was married
on the same day my father's bull was introduced to his cow.
Now the custom was that my father's bull
served all the cows in the parish.
But the truth was, the parish was so large
my father's bull was not equal to the task.
But as he went about his business
with a grave face,
my father regarded him very highly.
When the baby was born,
Obadiah hoped the cow would calf.
- She didn't. -...both water and wine.
May not a cow be barren?
- Never happen. - My bull is as good one as ever pissed.
If you attack his character, you attack his life.
Good Lord, what is this story all about?
Cock and a bull story.
Cock and a... bull.
- Mm. - Cock and bull tale.
Cock and bull's tale.
- Cock and bull. - Cock and bull.
- Brother. - Sorry.
And the best of its kind I ever heard.
I like it.
I thought it was good.
That's the area, that's the area.
- Right there. - Okay okay.
What do you think? A little piece?
- A piece? - Rob, I've seen enough.
It's registered logged.
- But how big is it? - There is hair,
- but it's very thin hair. - I know, I know!
Just trace with your finger
- the actual area. - You're actually asking me to do that?
- Fuckin' hell, mate. - Just trace the area.
All right, I'll just trace it,
from like that. I'm just tickling the area.
Oh, I can feel that. That's good.
Can you arrange the hair that's there
- to cover it? - No no no!
'Cause I'm working in the dark.
Well, I'm not going to talk to your fucking head, Rob.
Did I do more Al Pacino
in the car scene?
- I remember. - You did a lot more.
You remember me doing a lot more?
- I have to say I'm... - Sad to see it go.
It served as a counterpoint to the stuff Naomie was doing.
- It did? - I'm in the dark.
I do a good Al. "Shylock is my name."
- Did you see him in that? - Yeah.
I do a good Al Pacino too,
but I don't do it in front of people all the time.
Because you don't have the confidence.
- I understand. - I do.
- I feel I can get up there and do it. - I can do Al Pacino.
I can do like Al Pacino in "The Godfather."
That wasn't great. My friend...
When the Godfather speaks like this,
"You disrespect the family."
- The Godfather talks like this. - The Godfather speaks like that.
You have no depth to the way you speak.
Because there was no depth in those days, in those days--
You know, you sound like a cartoon now.
That's not what I'm doing.
- With respect-- - The Godfather--
- Let me do Pacino. - That's the way I do Pacino.
- Just let me do Pacino. - That's the way. I was fucking loud!
Like that! It's real fucking loud!
A big sound like that all the fucking time.
That's Columbo. I-l-l-l-- I'm very open.
I model myself on Pacino. You can see it on the screen.
You see it, in fact, when I lean against a wall.
Tha-- that's Pacino.
When I do a look of shock,
that's Pacino.
Are you being serious now or are you joking?
We're in the same business.
I'm not showy. That's the last thing I am.
I look for truth, and that's why I go to Pacino,
that's why I go to Hopkins.
But no, I go to actresses as well.
I go to Streisand.
I regularly go to Streisand.
I say, "What can you give me?"
and I look at her body... of work,
so I have a little bit from "Hello, Dolly!"
I'm going to take a little bit from "Yentl,"
and put them together, a whole...
she would say in Jewish, and off I go.
So I've got Streisand underneath me,
I've got Hopkins, I've got Pacino.
You tell me where I can't go.
What do you think? I've had them done.
- I know you have. - What do you think?
Feel that one. Look, no crevasse.
- Feel it. - Don't ask me to feel your teeth.
- Just close your eyes and feel it. - No.
It's your fucking teeth. Christ.
You've got a thing about-- whenever there's a hint of something gay--
What? This has nothing to do with "gay."
That's what it is. You don't want to touch another man's teeth
because you're worried you might be attracted to me. Just touch my teeth.
- It's good, it's good, it's good. - Thank you. Thank you.